I went to the hospital on Tuesday and had 5 golden balls (!) inserted into my pelvis. Whilst I remain amazed at the incredible technology that allows these treatments to happen, just know that if they ever tell you that you are having a CT-guided procedure, it may not be pretty.
When they did the biopsy (CT guided) back in May, I was infused with anaesthetic so I didn’t feel anything. Whilst you can see and experience everything that is going on, you feel relatively chilled out and can just about deal with it.
This was rather different. The golden balls or “Fiducial Markers” as they are technically known will help the cyperknife (targeted radiotherapy) triangulate exactly the right spot to be radiated. So clever. This tech in place since 2009 and moving towards not needing the markers at all, but we’re not there yet. But that wasn’t the shame, the shame here was these gold pieces were inserted under a local anaesthetic…. and it took 2 hours…. and you are totally awake, bearing witness and experiencing pain as this horrific violation of your person takes place! Chill it is not.
Going through a CT scanner what felt like 85 times, with multiple needles poking out of me, was utterly surreal, painful and I’d go as far to say as it’s the worst thing I’ve experienced on my cancer travels yet. I could feel the tears in my eyes, but instead made a mental note to release it all later. Which I did. When I finally hobbled out of the hospital alone (as one is forced to do during these ridiculous times) I let all the emotions come out and wept like a lost child in front of 81 Harley Street. Mercifully, the uber driver didn’t fancy a chat. More crying when I got home. And then even more the day after that. But I have come to see that tears offer us so much release. They have helped me enormously and I’m sure there will be yet more to come and I embrace that.
The moral of the story: general anaesthetic, which sadly wasn’t on offer for this, can protect you from so much trauma. If it’s on offer, definitely worth considering.
I can credit the course on Autogenic Training with helping me to allow myself to be more vulnerable. My fellow Breast Cancer buddy also said, denial is great and you can use that a lot to get on with things, but then you have these invasive procedures which remind you exactly what you are going through. She’s right.
Since then there has been warfare with the oncologist regarding when to start the bone strengthening treatment injections which have amazing anticancer properties. Finally I threw the toys out and demanded they give it to me. Frankly, I think they should have given it to me week one after diagnosis, but hey, I’m learning as I go that tantrums are often more effective than asking in a civilised manner. So hooray! Next week I will be off to have the injection, finally! As unpleasant as that will also surely be, especially given that it can sometimes make you feel very dreadful afterwards, I am happy to go ahead with it and do something pro active to show these rogue cells it’s time to reform. I’m hoping future treatment decisions won’t require such battles.
It’s been a very HOT! and emotional week yes, but, I’m ok. After I long week I’m right now just looking forward to picking up the kids from holiday camp and taking them to see the Minions movie! Thank you all for walking with me. Sending love and light and happy weekend to you all! xx
Keto Cancer Queen 